Out of control

I can't fake a smile anymore
Not even a small positive curve on my face

The angel & demon is fighting in my mind today
I can't bear with it
Every words seems to like a sword to me
No matter a joke or whatever
It is the same for me

I am totally out of control
I always said that it will be a nice day tmrw
But it will never be ):

My tear glands is too hardworking
And totally out of control
I am trying very hard to concentrate on other things
But i failed !

I don't feel like go to school
Cause something will made me cry eventually
I have been shedding my tears since the last 2 period till now
I don't know what is my problem ):

To you who are concerned to me
I really wanted to thank you
Giving me emblazonment , appreciation
And letting me know that I am capable and so on
And a hug from you  is really nice (:

I knew that what you told me was true
You said that is was a waste
You don't understand why
I don't understand why too...
But I don't mind (:

But telling you that i don't mind
and you told me that
I can't said i don't mind
cause I am capable and you felt pity for me

You are telling me the truth
which is the differences in it
and since that the angel n demon is fighting in my head
I can't concentrate on anything
I really broke down
I never knew what I am doing now ):

A phrase " good for you" and a word " thank you"
Have been spinning in my head
is like one demon and angel
trying to kick their opponent out

There is too many things happen at once
I don't want anyone to ask me the same few questions anymore
I am tired of it
Why can't I be the one to have a simple life?

I really need distractions
I need someone to pull me out from this swirl
I can't have a life like this ):

And to you who have eyesight problem
GET A LIFE !

I have to go to calm myself down
And if you felt I am totally out of control
Leave here and don't get in my swirl (:

Penguinssss :D

It's a new day (:
I was actually not thinking about yesterday rubbish anymore

BUT
mummy mention it again -.-
cause she wanna told daddy what happen to me ):

Of course daddy gave me lecture which is not a lecture
those are almost similiar with what mummy told me (:
I mean i appreciate them for telling me all these things
But I just can't stop them from mentioning that

Whenever i said i don wan to do this or that
they will start saying
Since you can say no to us why cant you do that to ur teacher too ):
And the things go round and round again
Daddy even said I am such a smart and tricky people
I should know how to take a time to rest -.-

I know how, but I can't ):
The moment I left someone wil be complaining me
and the next thing i get will be another scolding -.-

I don care
I want make this issue to come to an end
* CASE CLOSE * (:

I need to get a counsellor i guess d:
I kept feeling that i was stupid and useless today -.-
How abnormal I am

I saw gor gor typing vitae and achievements
and he helped me to count what can I write
And what he did was
" U gt no choir,  no NSW competition, no this no that -.- "

whatever
I felt useless ):
If i could write primary achievements
I will not have the feeling d:

GAHH
I told myself not to care but why do I care?
My mind is totally out of control
really gone wild :O

* skip *

I got a few thing i wanted to do :D
1. Play pirates of carribean them song :)
2. Go for a run *whee*
3. Hope my leg get well soon (:
4. I want to read storybooks!
5. Discover my style for motif d:
6. Do some sports thingy
7. Find a place to keep all my softtoys d:
8. Acheive merit or distinction in next music exam
9. Have more and more story from RP d:
10. To determine my way and have fun :D

Btw
Should I go for marching this wednesday ?
If I go that cycle will be back again -.-
And my leg won't recover ):
If i din go
I don know what will happen
But I sense something bad -.-

Delala (:
bubulala !
bibobibo :D

Live long (:

There is really too many things in my mind
after today events
I don know why (:

Mummy never said anything
whenever I got back from anywhere
and got hurt or felt tired (:
But this time she said something really inspired me

CHS is like a society
but a smaller ones (:
Everyone would not get everybodys' support

If someone don't appreciate you
Don border bout them
Is like when you grow up to work in a company
if A did not appreciate you
chg to B and so on (:

She asked me what have I got today?
I said nothing but got sick d;
She asked me why did I do so hard for?
I said I was forced to :/

I never have an interest in anything since I am a kid
I do not have a clear direction to go with
My interest in almost everything will always fade out after some time
And I never really have any succeed & achievement till now
I am way behind gor gor ):

Mummy told me
We don't have to gain any benefits or anything from whatever we do
Although may not achieve success in the end
but it is still worth when we learn something from it

She said that no one will still appreciate me
although i do till cry, do till sick
* I din't know she knew i cry -.- *
even though i don't expect any appreciation
I got nothing to say.

And again she asked me
Is it worth for me to sacrifice for today event?
I think she felt that i was stupid to do that

I felt very stupid too
VERY VERY STUPID
I never think logically
I always take up all the responsibility that people doesn't want to do it
How stupid I am

I am very confused now
I asked her should i quit
seriously should i?

I am not happy to be in there
I feel very stress all the time
I never feel i have got any freedom in it
I did all that just because of i was asked to
How long have I been manipulate like a robot?

There is still one more year to be in high school
People said high school life will be the most precious moment
High school life will make you smile all the time
but mine was not at all
maybe just some of it

I am now at a crossroad
without lights without direction
I need someone to help me out (:

I really have to stop thinking about this
I need to focus
focus on my studies (:

I want those people to know that
I am not born to be manipulated by them
not to be like a slave to them
I am a person who can walk by myself
I want to show them by action
by any means
I wish I can (:

Freedom is mine
My life will be drawn and coloured by myself
maybe their life is like a jail
dull and nothing
I don care d:
Mine will be as colourful as rainbow and bubbles (:

New day , new start , new life (:
Make their specs drop!
I can do it :D
BOO YA!

Olyckliga Stunder

I got to write out everything here

In order to let my brain stop thinking bout all the "her" again (:

Not going to mention who is she

But i really really hope I wont see her again

I wonder when will she retire

I don't want to see her anymore!

To you:

You are not born to scold me

And I am not born to let you scold!

I know I did not do really well

But can you be more considerate?

Imagine I am the only person to walk around the whole school compound

without anyone helping me...

I did not get the co-operations from them

I did not get to make myself in so many place at once

What do you expect?

I am not the only person in charge

The other two person in charge were there

Why do you have to ask someone to inform me to meet you

And all I get is scolded by you !

They do not want to co-operate

What can I do?

Scolding them will make them alme even more

Telling them what is the right thing to do

and they did not want to listen

What can I do?

I have been walking for so many rounds outside de school compound

Walking for don know how many rounds in the school compound

Can't I stand at a shady place to rest for 3 minutes?

I am a human not a robot or machine.

I am not the head of the whole project

No one is... We are just a team

Why do I always be the one scolded by you?

I am trying my best

Can't you see?

To the other 3 of you :

I heard what you all said (:

every words, every sentences

I just pretend that i din't hear anything

But I am not deaf!

U don't have to give comment

I am not capable

I am not socialise

I am nothing

I KNOW!

U don't have to hit me with things " accidentally"

U don't have to repeat all the words

I know what it is...

Nevermind...

I will not see you 3 anymore next year.

You 3 will be out of my sight (:

Well..

It is not a good day after all..

My mind has been manipulate 

by the unhappy things happened years ago ):

That was the year I shed the most tears

The year I lost all my confidence in everything

I know I have been very emotional today

I can't stop shedding my tears whenever I thought about it

Those were too hard for me to handle

And I am to fragile to handle them with care

I need to have a rest

My last injured part was pain again ):

my foot was really out of control now

Sorry that I have to skip my class today ):

To all the people who help me out & the cooperative person out there

Thank you (:

You guys are really great!

To those people who are very selfish and irresponsible

"Good luck" in your whole life (:

My mind is almost empty now (:

Got to go sleep now d:
If not gor gor will be teasing me looking like a panda
Hmph d;
Ciao~

突然觉得自己很笨 (:
那种许久未光顾的感觉回来了...
明知道到最后还得由自己动手
却还期待有奇迹的出现。

Sometimes it is not the matter that
I do not want to take my responsibility
Is a teamwork... isn't it ?
It is now the very last minute
u guys were asking who will do this n that
after the question there is two words

" I'm busy :) "

i do not want to comment anymore

i knew it will be like that

U all know that if work is not done

I will do it... 

Cause I will be the one worried

I should bear with it

Few more days to go

I will have the freedom & rest that I want it desperately(:

Dream high , fly high ;)

There will always be a rainbow after the thunder storm (:

I believe in myself that I can! 

bubu and lala :D

BOMB（：

eeeeeeeeeee (:

RMAMA birthday! 

Pei Pei a.k.a The RP :D

See (: 

I decolourise u from black to PINK :D

I bet u will be seeing this tmrw from somewhere (:

You know what this mean (:

Our symbol (:

We have got Rachael, AMA, Kai Song. Angeline and so on (:

You again (:

Black tubby :P

Nice header u help me to do (:

Thank you!

I remember the days we were once classmates (:

inventing our words and have fun

Even though we are not classmates now

But we always find some way to keep in touch ;)

We share what happened to us (:

We never tell anyone what we have promise not to say

We never have fear to tell each other anything 

Because we both take the words and

You are carefree enough for me to split my emotions on you (:

Thank you RMAMA (:

Wish you a very blessed birthday (:

Hope you will always have the luck with you

Last but not least (:

Remember provide me story n SM :D

Lead a happy life !

All the best ;)

From:          RC   

     Rchild  

 (: Rtrainer 

Ehehe (:

Hehe (: Went to FedEx workshop yesterday 

almost got frozen in it 

Indeed it was quite fun & I learn quite a lot (:

Presentations by becca was very awesome!

Is good to have English debater MD ;)

Ant the food there was ):

Didn't finish the food d:

Too full and the food was very salty for me 

Food is not the topic so SKIP 

Well...

I can't just bear with him!

Too annoying -.-

Got to face with his annoying face for 2 more months

I know time flies :D

Today got 7 periods of relief 

I don know what is the point going to school (:

Results again 

Bio drop 23 marks 

A very big thank you to the teacher who came out

the bio paper 3 diagram (:

Congrats to her too that she din even know how to label the diagram well

Teacher said it was a trap -.-

BOO! Not a trap but a mistake!

it costs me 17 marks (: THANK YOU AH!

Well.. careless mistakes were reduced :D

quite happy with it (:

Got 2 B for the first time ):

nevermind (: first time n last time okie ? 

Today keep laughing during relief period

really gone mad (:

Playing restricted word with a bunch of friends

But i do not know why i keep laughing 

and laugh till cry d:

Heard quite a lot of weird marking 

Is like people good in english get lower marks in it

and got better marks in chinese

how weird -.-

Ain't going to said too much bout it

I will never know who will see it (:

I guess i have got a good day (:

Ciao~

Ferris wheel (:

Aloha (:School reopens today

And I am getting mad d:

Getting back all the results

Is like having a roller coaster ride 

And sometimes is like giving a sudden heart attack :O

Today i was rather abnormal

I did not hide myself from the others

I do not know why

I think I am getting mad (:

To be honest

Results dropped a lot

I found that

the more effort i put, the worse i did

It is not that I am being not optimistic

But this is a fact for the situation I am facing now

For example (:

I knew i did not understand physics

I spent zillion of times to study it

ended up getting a B and dropped almost 13 marks -.-

As a matter of fact

Standard isn't the same

But this was really a drastic drop

For the sake of it

I will take this as the first time and I hope it will be the last time (:

I have to try to love it <3

If i could solve my science without tuition in lower sec

I believe I could do that to physics to (:

Only if I put much more effort on it ;)

All these are what i expected 

So, I am fine with it (:

I hope I can be as abnormal as I can until I get back all of it d:

I really do not want my depressed expression to appear again

I need a healthy and optimistic thinking life

I have to be a high EQ person (:

This is the only way to stay alive in the society

I hope the trip n sports day will be a successful one (:

I hope it will be a really blessed month for everyone

I knew I could do it if I am willing to do my best (:

tata (:

Freaky

Get back from YE again (:

the very last day of production during this holiday

It wasn't fun after all d:

As a matter of fact

I made it not fun :D

Doing the QC is really torturing ):

I can't accept those ugly looking stuffs

I felt like rejecting all but I can't

Looking at all the green and red beans all the day!

I am getting annoyed

Some of them just simply do it 

leaving some rubbish for us to clear :(

Using pliers to take off all n redo again everything

wasn't fun at all

and the main problem is the GLUE!

We don't have to conserve money on glues

which has a very low quality 

to buy some nonsense hats!

Whatever it is

My hand was hurt again -.-

I thought that was glue

But it was my skin :O

Tear it and I felt a sudden pain

How smart I am :)

 

There is still a long way to go

I really hope next production won't be another nightmare for me

Now i really got fobia with the red & green beans

Last time was after using mouth to use a peg to pick up them

now is facing them almost 5 hours per day -.-

Some good news is that

gor gor got back his piano exam's result

and it was superb (:

Congratulations!

Ciao~

Have a nice day (:

Craziness d:

Went Y.E again (:
sticking the beans on the bean bags wasn't easy after all
Glue was sticking all over my hands instead of sticking on the proper place
And the thread bowl :/
That starch was YUCKY!
it still haven dry yet till now.. *FAILED*

I don like having "fun" with the glues
I spent more time on clearing off them from my hand d:
it made my hands looks like an old people hand o:
Tmrw is going to be a glue fight again *sigh*

Pencil case production was nicer (:
the sound of the sewing machine sounds
it is going to break down O:
But still it is the one and only one machine we left
So i still having fun sewing the pencil cases (:

Yesterday went for tuition
and again i was alone ):
They dumped me and went for vacation
I have to face TWO teachers alone
How scary it was :/
I hope it will never happen again
two times is more than enough (:

Currently reading Mini shopaholic on wattpad ;)
Yet it is a storybook without book d:
mummy scolded me for not practising my music pieces.. *hehe*
I am getting fed up practising the few songs again n again
i get B.O.R.E.D.

School is going to reopen soon ):
tmrw till saturday will be ye n tuitions for me
and left the miserable sunday ):

After the holidays,
it will be loads of nightmares
not to mention it here (:

bububububu ;P
ciao~